Monster Ru

Death

since Sunday, my mind has been pre-occupied with death. i was thinking that the year of the Cock has been nothing but bad. i guess it started with NAB's grandmother, and then the sudden demise of my own. and then it was friends' relatives...

i saw "Blood and Bones" on Sunday night, and the thing that stuck in my mind most was when the guy (played by Takeshi Kitano, excellent acting) was dying and he was recalling the most significant moment of his life. I thought about my grandmother's death, and about how she most probably never had that moment, and what flashback/s she would have had if she did. and it made me sad.

and i remembered, after she was cremated, that i went to a bar by myself and drank myself silly, until my friends finally appeared, close to closing time, after which i continued to drink myself numb. and even then, the pain didn't stop.

i don't remember ever crying that much that night, ever. and the next day, i told someone, "i guess i got it out of my system." and that person said - "no, i don't think you ever stop grieving."

and i guess i kind of experience that now.

this is brought about by the sudden death of someone i know vaguely. the person died on Tuesday night, having been warded just the day before for a mild heart attack. i even saw him on Saturday, and he looked quite well.

the hardest part was not having to deal with the silence of the situation when someone tells you that someone who means a great deal to him/her just passed away (because saying anything would have come across as trite), but more so, in a sort of selfish way, the fact that the whole episode was a reminder of my grandmother's death, (both deaths having come unexpectedly,) and how all the emotions that the other person was feeling was being thrown back to me.

i don't ever remember having such a bad year as this.

Don't know if i'd feel better having put this into words. it's been tough, but all i can say is that i'm glad the fucking year of the cock is coming to an end soon.

posted by 儒 @ 18:04