Monday, January 31, 2005


this is not good. its been 2 hrs and there is an itch on my foot and i can't scratch it. it is both annoying and sad at the same time. this kind of makes me want to panic. help.

the cast

short, fibreglass, green.

now, time for some painkillers.

getting a cast

i have decided to put my foot in a cast. if i'm lucky (not sure its a matter of luck, but for want of a better word - ) i'll be able to get it done in about an hour's time. they are checking if they have a free slot for me at 3.55pm.

ok - they have rung me back, and i'm going to get it done. i wonder how long before i'll be able to feel the skin on my foot again. better go give it some attention now.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

the colour blue

i don't think the colour blue suits me. but its amazing how certain shades of blue just look so damn bloody good on certain people.

(ok - now really back to the book)

a post about doing nothing

actually, i don't have much to post about because nothing much is happening. i spend all day at home (well, mostly) and there is just so much online-window-shopping you can do. i must say that i do miss going out (to other places besides the Botanic Gardens and Bo's), but everytime i want to go out, i have to think about whether the place is handicap-friendly or not. e.g. can i get to the shop on the 2nd floor of paradiz centre to go look at guitars/keyboards? (btw, i have not tried using escalators...) besides, the crowd is definitely more intolerable if you are on crutches. kids on wheels, idiot adults who don't look where they're going, etc. oh - it works the other way as well. there are the nice ones who try to move out of your way. then there are those who STARE(!!!) and those who actually stand rooted to the ground and WAIT FOR YOU to move around them.

it is really quite puzzling that the foot has not started healing. well, the fracture is obvious in the x-ray. the bone is like the size of a (male) finger, and the crack is right across it. since the doctor asked, i guess i'm going to put it in a cast. anything that will help it heal faster.

in any case, pls don't get me wrong - i am really glad that i don't have to go back to work. (deepest gratitude to the husband) if i were given the choice, i would still choose crutches over work. (um...yes. strangely, i would.) i guess i just kind of wished that since i don't have to go to bloody work now, i can actually go out and do the stuff that i want to do without having to rush!

anyway, i will now go and sit on the couch with my nice doggies and read Murakami's Kafka on the Shore rather than do nothing. this actually, i am a bit ashamed of. (ok - i don't actually do nothing lah - i still do the housework, play with the dogs, etc. :-))

Thursday, January 27, 2005

the hospital trip

what's wrong with some of the doctors in singapore? are they having a really hard time or what?!

the 1st incompetent fool was this geeky-looking idiot who made no effort to conceal the fact that he had absolutely no interest in my injury, whatsoever. so he was checking my foot to see where it hurt, etc and then he told me after 5 mins that i actually have no fractures in my foot. i was completely in joy - i mean - i felt a little stupid that i've had to hobble around difficultly for the last 2 weeks, but hell, if there was no fracture and it was "only a muscle contusion" like he said, i could jolly well go swimming tomorrow!

and then i remembered what someone (who's got tons of experience in broken bones - collar bone, hand, reconstructed knee, etc) said last night about getting x-rays. so i actually REQUESTED for an x-ray. the fucking moron said - well, you could get it in 2 weeks' time when you come for your next appointment, or if you want to, we can also do it today. luckily for me, my "aiyah, since you have so much time, just get it done today and confirm you have NO fracture so you can go out and play!" side made the right decision and i got the x-ray done. after an hour or so of waiting (and having to put up with this old guy's really nasty cough which made me want to give up smoking), i returned to the clinic with my x-ray. the incompetent fool had gone off to fill his stomach, and i got another doctor.

this second guy (ok - not incompetent, but nonetheless, couldn't be bothered) declared so matter-of-factly, "there is a fracture in your foot". all my exhilaration gone, just like that. in those few words. i'd say - having false hope is worse than having no hope. what's worse is that there has been no healing since when i first found out i have a fracture. this worries me - the doctor said it can take anything between 6 wks to 3 mths to heal.

so i got nagged to death by a friend over dinner, and then more.

but i must say that it was quite nice being wheeled around at the hospital. i got sent an sms that said "how's yr crack?" which immediately cracked me up because i was thinking "butt crack". everyone at the waiting area must think i'm a lunatic because i was laughing my head off. and then at the pharmacy, this guy who was waiting next to me started talking to me - it was nice because he could see that i was really down and he made a genuine effort to cheer me up and he was telling me how his wife broke both her ankles, one after another.

in any case, if anyone has any special recipe for quick bone recovery, plesase let me know. i'm desperate for my foot to heal. and yes, it *does* hurt.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

losing strength

last night i discovered that after less than 2 weeks of not being able to use my right leg, my right calf is turning to jelly. it feels like a baby's arm/leg. (ok - double the size lah) absolutely no strength in it. and strangely enough, the muscles are aching. this is so not good. i hate to think what would become of it after 6 weeks. yucks.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Mitchville K-9 Kennels

ok - these people have pissed me off.

good luck to your business.

Monday, January 24, 2005


ok - so i've got Carbon Leaf's "Life Less Ordinary" looping - on my ipod mini as well as in my head. i really like that song - its got a great bass line, and the lyrics are nice. and it gives me nice thoughts, and all dark clouds are chased away by the song. the only thing that's dodgy about the song is the bridge. a bit too cheesy, but otherwise, its still a great song.

when my foot is healed, i will give yoga a shot - i've been wanting to try out yoga or pilates. someone told me i should try to do some meditation to try to sleep as opposed to passing out from alcohol. (well, i bought an exercise ball today, as well as a yoga mat! hopefully i will get to use them sooner than NAB!) and i really miss swimming. if i'm lucky, i can swim next week - doctor's appointment on thursday, and i will ask if i can go swimming. the only thing i need to make sure of is that i can get out of the pool without further hurting my foot.

oh - and i just properly listened to john mayer's "your body is a wonderland" today. i was kinda surprised at the lyrics - for 3 minutes...

"Live a life less ordinary
Live a life extraordinary with me
Live a life less sedentary
Live a life evolutionary with me
Well, I hate to be a bother but
It’s you and there’s no other, I do believe
You can call me naïve, but
I know me very well at least
As far as I can tell and I know what I need...

but you already know..." - Carbon Leaf "Life Less Ordinary"

Sunday, January 23, 2005

mostly about the wedding

i was talking to someone about having a special ipod made for swimming. and today, i was given the newspaper cutting, dated 9 jan 2005, about an mp3 player that is supposed to work under water. nice.

so i spent 6 hours at the wedding today. my 22 yr-old cousin married this guy whom i thought was a bit ah beng. i just hope to god that he loves my cousin more than himself. velvety suit?? hello?? which planet are we on again?? (Sorry - groom in question - if you happen to read my blog and know that i am talking about you, pls don't be offended) - and sorry, any wedding without alcohol is just wrong. how else can you pass those hours of just waiting and waiting for the couple to get changed?! i can honestly say that only my father understood how i felt. i bet it broke his heart when i asked him for a glass of wine and he had to disappoint me. and my sister - my *only* sister - had the gall to tell me that they didn't want to serve even wine because they didn't want it to turn rowdy. ROWDY? excuse me?! what the fuck? ask me how much it hurts me to see my sister turn into just precisely the kind of people i don't associate myself with.

ok - the funny part: my grandfather (mum's dad) actually "ordered" my dad to make sure i had food. (you know - in the very chinese "this is what i say so do it!" way.) this is the second time that a grandfather of mine actually gave my dad "orders" "for" me. i feel *so* loved. :-) plus, my dad passed me a phone to replace the one that i fucked up sitting on so that was nice. (ok - so i got to play the part of a spoiled daughter/grand-daughter once again - but hell, its been 25 years! and it was only for a couple of hours!)

the bonus at the wedding was going to the russell wong exihibition for free. i simply walked in - they didn't ask me for a ticket probably seeing that i'm on crutches. the nice part was the film pics from "hero" and "house of flying daggers"... otherwise, i thought his lighting for his subjects was a bit screwed. but hell, i don't know nuts about studio lighting, but i've never liked artificial lighting much anyway.

on a different note, Carbon Leaf is really nice...

Saturday, January 22, 2005

the things you do, the things you put yourself through

ok - so i went downstairs for some minced pork noodles this afternoon. i hadn't eaten for 24 hrs. (yes - the last meal was the kid's portion pasta at coffee bean - was quite alright actually. and my nice friends bought treats for the dogs!) so i thought i should eat something in case i faint whilst on my crutches or something. hobbling to the coffeeshop, i was looking forward to sitting down. (ay, not easy leh - arms hurt, blisters on my hands) so what did i do? i slumped onto the fucking plastic chair and landed on my phone. the fucking screen was fucked. 50% of it can't be read. (makes a nice V right from the middle of the screen - and its not even that my bum has gotten so fat over the last 2 months :-) ) well, i guess its a good enough reason to do online retail therapy. (hey, now they can even send the phone right to your door step!)

in any case, i would just like to say that i don't like to be taken advantage of, especially when i'm handicapped. there is being friends, and being good friends and that's all. so please don't. otherwise i might be forced to borrow B's letter-opener and stab anyone who upsets me before he uses it on an offender.

"at the ends of a cigarette are a fire and a fool."

Friday, January 21, 2005

even more ipod reflections

everyone is buying everyone ipods. i wonder how many ipods/ipod minis/ipod photos have been bought last year for christmas alone. i must say that it is a bloody nice present to receive. (me being the happy recipient of one 3 years ago). this is a really strange emotion for me - with everyone receiving ipods for christmas, i kind of feel left out. ok - i know i've got the 2G one + the mini, so i don't really *need* another one. and its not even a case of having another ipod/being greedy. otherwise i would just run out now (ok - not run. hobble) and pick up the nice U2 one. its more to do with the idea of receiving one as a present.

and its funny because i think i would gladly buy one as a present for someone. but i don't mean just anyone (otherwise tym might be first on the list - sorry! :-) ) i think its one of those special presents. would you get a 60gb ipod photo for someone you don't care about? i think not! (sorry tym - this doesn't mean i don't care about you, but i guess you know what i mean lah.)

at the end of the day, i guess it boils down to the fact that my ipod means too much to me. i sometimes think about surgically attaching it to myself lest i lose it. i need to constantly remind myself that to some people, it is just something that plays music to fill up their time on the bus/train/gym, etc.

talking about special presents, shouldn't all presents be special? otherwise, why give it right? i guess everyone appreciates a gift that's got enough thought put into it.

i don't know why i'm talking about these things. i think i'm losing my marbles...

Thursday, January 20, 2005

the dogs...

ate the teabag

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Pain And Pain

ok so i rang my mum and told her i fractured my foot. she didn't make a fuss, which is really good. she also did not offer to visit although she did ask me if i was coping, which is also good. so far i have only lost my balance twice using the crutches. (as you all know, my balance normally is already a bit off, given that my right leg is 2cm longer than my left.) so, i slipped once in the bathroom (wet floor, me trying to hop over that bloody stupid divider on the floor that is there to keep the water in the shower area), which gave me a sore bum and a sore left shoulder. the other time i was just getting up from a chair and trying to stand up but the crutches were not properly placed so i fell forward and ended up with a bump on my head and cuts/bruise on my left elbow as i was trying to break the fall unsuccessfully. (oh - my right hand last knuckle *also* got bruised)

all in all, i would say that these resulting injuries are more painful than the fracture itself. i think its time to start taking the painkillers again so all this pain will go away.

"you're a pill to ease the pain of all the stupid things i do" - cc richard manuel is dead

Tuesday, January 18, 2005


so i rang up cathay photo and they told me that this didn't get shipped to singapore. then i checked ebay - there are 8 available, shipping from Japan. temptations... USD 2999. *sigh*


whilst some of my friends (tym? :-)) are now/still lusting over Mac products, i have my eyes on the R-D1. it looks alright and the reviews are good. and since NAB has been suggesting that i get myself a "*proper* digital camera like the one T has got" i think the R-D1 is a great idea. It is a digital rangefinder camera, which means that i don't have to go out and spend another few thousand dollars on an SLR digital system that i enjoy using less, and besides, i have all the M-lenses that i need already.

so - the problem? it costs USD $3000 (suggested retail price) and supposedly, only 10,000 copies have been made. well, yet another thing for the next lifetime then.

Monday, January 17, 2005


so what did i do today? for all the kindness that R has shown me over the weekend (and the rest) - helping me out with the household chores, taking me to the Botanic Gardens, etc. - i have *offered* to go with her, on a sunday MORNING to CHURCH. (of course this is after next sunday, when she has to take me to the beach at sentosa for sunday brunch.) what was i thinking?!? i told her - well, its my penance. (well, self-inflicted pain since i am taking her to the cellar door for all her kindness and already bought her some drinks! btw, the cellar door has got a dish there that i really like - soba noodles with some kind of fish. its really nice!)

and then i had a conversation with someone about god. i guess the belief that people have is that if you do good things, then good things will come to you (eventually). but sometimes, bad things happen to good people and people can't understand nor accept this.

so this person told me - but its not supposed to be rosy if you choose to follow god's path. that made sense. and acceptance is an important part of the whole thing. of life. acceptance without resentment. that made sense too. what didn't make sense was why in the first place he had to create A & E (and then the rest of us) and this whole system of how life and death is supposed to work. ..."put youself in god's shoes" - sorry, can't do it mate.

next sunday should be fun. if i manage to hobble my way to the restaurant. the following sunday... well, lets just say we'll take it as a "Learning Journey". :-)

Sunday, January 16, 2005

a Long December

actually, December was not long enough. everything has flown by, and it all seems so far away now. (with the distance of time the memory becomes fonder. i know i'm repeating myself endlessly - "the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings") every december, there is (or rather, was) the excitement of not having to go to work, a holiday (sometimes fishing), and obviously christmas drinks, the birthday disappointment (hangover day for everyone lah - how to still drink on your birthday?!!!) and then the new year's eve anticipation followed by thoughts of what you have (not) done that year.

i know its a bit late for the New Year's reflection, but all that caution on NY's eve trying to avoid fucking fiery things that people throw on the ground that spin in a random direction really took it all out of me. i can't say that i didn't enjoy it because honestly, i like fireworks. there is something about the explosive colours that is so unreal.

i guess last year, the birthday disappointment was more significant because the tidal waves hit. we all try to make sense of it - we all try to help. who is sending what message? is it all arbitrary? - a design for life, a design of god.

the fractured foot part 2

oh yah - and sitting in a wheel chair can be fun. the perspective is different. you feel like a kid again because everything is seen from lower. reminds me of WKW's "In the mood for love".

the fractured foot

so - i got a hairline fracture in my right foot. sadly, i have yet to determine the actual cause of this. the more i think about it, the more uncertain i am of the culprit. in any case, i don't think it really matters to find out *what* caused it. what i know now is that i have been immobillised, and i have to rely on the kindness of my friends who actually have time to be kind to me.

it is a sign from god - i said to my friend, R. she has been really really kind to me, and i can't thank her enough - anyway, whether it is a sign from god, the devil or whatever evil that lurks out there, my daily routine of walking, swimming and more walking (ok - sometimes gym) has been disrupted and i am upset. the only good thing that is coming out of this so far is that the painkillers have got an amazing sleep-inducing capability. (it is sometimes hard to not follow the advice on the label of the medication - "do not use more than 3 times a day".) or maybe it is just that it is so damn bloody tiring to walk with crutches that i actually feel physically tired. trust me - even with gym and swimming combined, it is not as tiring. i guess if i actually was lying in bed all day, i wouldn't be tired. but what can you do when you are living alone?

its funny that when i was young, i always wondered what it was like to be using crutches. (My father at one time had to use crutches for a long period of time and i was always tempted to try them, even though they were not at the right height.) Now that i have to use them for 6 weeks, i am seriously dreading it. my - ok, DON'T LOL! - armpits hurt. and my hands can't touch my shoulderblades. oh - plus i've got a butt cramp. don't ask me why. but i guess at the end of the 6 wks, i'll have really nice triceps without having to go to the gym, and a really good strong left leg.

p.s. pls do not tell my parents that i hurt my foot. i need my privacy :-)

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

the new piercing

ok - so i finally got it done. it was really not painful. (all my anticipation of pain - what a letdown!) it hurts even less than a earlobe piercing. i guess i was expecting some discomfort because my last piercing was bloody painful. the incompetent fool who did it did not do it properly, and it had to be pierced AGAIN by someone who actually knows how to do it. this guy was fairly good, despite the fact that after he put the rubber gloves on, he decided that he had to go and take a leak. and he kept getting interrupted by phonecalls/people during the preparation. but all in all, it was alright. there is even a mirror in the piercing room so you can watch yourself getting pierced. haha. now i just have to remind myself to be careful when putting the earphone in my right ear.

note: i once told someone that a brazilian is not *that* painful. after she got it done, she proceeded to curse and swear at me for forever. apparently it was bloody painful and she could still feel the pain for the next few days. so i think my pain-o-meter might be buay zun.

Monday, January 10, 2005


ok - this is not funny anymore. i still can't fucking sleep. so what *can* i do? i've got CC playing on my laptop (also in my head and more often on my ipod - not always the same song simultaneously), fucking MSN refusing to work, a million and one thoughts in my head and a fucking persistent headache that has been attacking my poor little already burdened head for as long as i can remember.

things that make you sad
things that make you worry
"things i remember, things i forget"

i'm not sleeping

(for those who are interested, there is a CC song by the same title :-) )

so i'm back in singapore, but some things don't change. i still can't bloody sleep properly. i tell people its a case of being jetlagged, but it is clearly not the case.

i thought i'd try to sleep tonight, following the advice of the lady at MR. after answering all of one phonecall all night, i proceeded to imbibe a huge amount of alcohol in a short period of time to try to knock myself out. its easy when there is something you are unhappy about. so i got home just past midnight, and went straight to bed. and what has to happen? i'm wide awake again just a couple of hours later. this fucking sucks.

read T's blog about the Philip Larkin poem - i guess i can emphatise with the "waking at 4" part... plus my head really hurts. so now i can't decide if i should just sit this one out or give it another chance by tossing and turning in bed again till sleep gets me.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

god - what does it take to sleep?!

the disappointments of today

alas! the joy of being able to purchase music from the itunes store!!!

and the frustration of your possible purchase being limited to the country you are in, and seeing lots of goodies in stores in the other countries. yet another screw-up encounter with the fucking internet. guess its just a matter of time.

also found out today that i WILL miss the Robert Frank exhibition at the Modern Tate. i've been really looking forward to it (150 photographs + 3 films) and now, yet another let-down. (again, through no fault of anyone but myself.) of course i can spend 500 Euros and still go, but i think i will save it for when i do volunteer work for the T disaster when i get back to SG. in the meantime, i shall just hope that in the next 40 years (haha!) of my life, there will be another RF exhibition held and i will not die without going to it (and without having to spend 500 Euros). NAB asked me if it is as important as a CC concert. hell no - but even that - having missed it twice (yes, i am repeating myself, and they were in the same freaking country as well - no flights involved) i am not sure i won't miss them again.

but i shall be content now as i am listening to my newly purchased live acoustic (!) version of American Girls, which is "all right with me"...

the missing piece

my guitar
my guitar


Tuesday, January 04, 2005

#1 Dutch (outdoor) pick-up line

it's cold?

Monday, January 03, 2005

untitled #10

finally got the internet connection up in the apartment today.

so many things not done, so many things not said, so many lives taken away. sometimes its hard to not believe that god does exist for such a thing to happen.

what does it take for us to realise that we are squandering our lives away?

"There has to be a change I'm sure
Today was just a day fading into another
and that can't be what a life is for"

- CC "Amy Hit the Atmosphere"